Humorous essays and cartoons with an Australian theme. PLEASE FEEL FREE TO COMMENT! I would love feedback! Now "Bub n Bill" can be found on coffee cups here @ CafePress! Photographs on this blog can be purchased as cards or prints here @ the Red Bubble website. From AU$3.00
( Note: This story was for our
Writers' Group monthly assignment. The topic was ‘friendly fire’ which has a military
connotation of course but not so in this story.)
Organ music signaled the bride’s arrival to
the country church.Abbie turned to
watch the very short, very plump bride walk slowly down the aisle with her
Despite her dimensions, the bride had
chosen the latest trend in bridal wear, a sleeveless, strapless torso hugging gown.
‘Sleeves would have been preferable for
those chubby arms.’ She told Ben.
‘Ssh!’ he hissed then quickly added,
Ben had learnt a few unpleasant things
about Abbie after working with her for 12 years.Abbie was brutally frank and, worse, she was
incapable of whispering.
He wanted her to accompany him to his
‘Why don’t you take your latest boyfriend,
Sam isn’t it?’Abbie replied.
‘I need a girlfriend.And you’re a girl and a friend.I don’t normally attend family dos but Sharon is my favourite
‘Your family doesn’t know?How can they not know?’
‘Easy.I left home at 17 for uni.Mum
died shortly after. I was the only child. Dad remarried after a while and started a new
family.I rarely go home.They just think I’m citified.’
‘You know I love you and I owe you big time
for helping with that budget project but I have a bad feeling about this.’
‘Please Abbie.I will pay for everything.I will pay for your outfit, hairdo,
undies.Hell, I will pay you by the
hour.’ Ben begged.
‘Well, okay.” She relented.“But now we’re even with that budget thing.’
‘Great!” Ben said then paused before
adding.“One small thing.We’ll have to do some handholding and cheek
kissing so we look authentic.’
‘That, my new boyfriend, is going to cost
you a very very expensive pair of shoes.’
After the ceremony, the guests milled about
in front of the church whilst the photographer snapped the bridal party in
Ben took the opportunity to introduce his
girlfriend to his extended family.
They did look an odd couple.Tall thin Abbie was elegantly dressed thanks
to Ben.Ben’s medium height was greatly
reduced thanks to Abbie’s five inch heels.He did wonder if she chose them as a ploy to reduce cheek kissing whilst
they were both standing.
The reception was held in the community
hall.Abbie and Ben were seated at a
table with the bride’s siblings and their partners.
Abbie dragged Ben to a quiet corner.
‘I love Sharon.She is the sweetest girl.No
wonder you love her.But this is getting
out of control.’She warned him.‘First Sharon
told me how happy she is that you’ve found someone to love.Then your great aunt May insisted we attend
her 80th birthday party in June.’
‘She’s got dementia.She’s probably already forgotten she met you.’
‘What about those engagement questions?
When we are going to make it official?You’re
both getting long in the tooth!And,
when are you going to make her an honest woman?’
‘Just the usual wedding day banter.’
‘Well, your step-mother wants us to come home
for Easter.We have to do something Ben.If you won’t then I will and it won’t be
When the huge servings of roast meat and
veg arrived at the table, Abbie gasped.‘This
is three day’s worth of kilojoules.No
chance of a salad I suppose.’
‘Just eat a little, sweetheart.’Ben encouraged her.
‘I’ve just reached my goal weight.I can’t spoil it with grease and gravy.’ She
insisted.‘Do you think I should give Sharon a copy of my diet?A little late for the wedding photos though.’
Her dinner partners gasped.
‘Maybe my sister prefers to look like a
woman and not a praying mantis.’Bruce, Sharon’s protective older
‘Excuse me!’Abbie spat back.‘I was merely suggesting that Sharon would be healthier
and happier carrying less weight.It also
helps with conception when they want to start a family.’
The mudcake and cream dessert arrived at
the table.Abbie immediately pushed it
‘The mudcake is great Abbie.You don’t know what you are missing.’Bruce called out to her.‘Here have a taste.’
A spoonful of mud cake flew across the
table and landed on Abbie’s bony chest.
‘Ben!Did you see that!Do something!’Abbie insisted.
Ben tried to remove the cake with his
Abbie pushed him away, grabbed her dessert,
stood up and walked around the table to stand beside Bruce.
‘Well, Bruce.Because you love it so much, you can have my
share.’She dropped the dessert into
Suddenly Abbie felt a second mudcake
assault.This time it landed on her
hip.She turned to see a sheepish Ben
armed with the offending weapon.‘Ben!How could you?’
‘Sorry sweetheart.It was friendly fire.I swear I was aiming at Bruce.’
Abbie strode back to her seat to confront
Ben.‘Friendly fire my arse!I have had enough of you and your hillbilly
friends.I am going back to the motel
via the bottle shop.And don’t you dare
With her back to the table, she winked at Ben
and stomped off.
The guests watched her retreat with sighs
of relief and much sympathy for Ben.
Many years ago my high school English teacher observed that I should be an essayist. I thought that it sounded like a good idea but I knew that I wouldn't be able to make a living from it. Nonetheless I did keep writing about things that amused me and I would tuck them away in a folder on my bookshelf. Now I have decided to set them free.
I hope to add a fortnightly post.
Please feel free to comment.
P.S. Why 'Expatiator'- one who writes at length?
I had trouble getting 'Gasbag' as a title and I didn't think of 'Waffler'! (Note: recent photo of author above!)